I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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