Reggie can tackle my bush.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
