John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
