You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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