My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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