this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
