just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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