Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
