yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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