Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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