I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
