Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
