Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
