My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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