Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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