Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
