why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
