i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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