I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
