if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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