my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
as a side note pls kill me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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