i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
