u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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