It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
