Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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