I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
