You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
