I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
this is an emotional support booty call
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
