Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
