Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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