I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
