So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
