apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
