Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
