I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
