Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
