you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
