i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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