It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
