Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
