WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
