gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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