Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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