A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
