Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
