I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
