The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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