are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
