I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
