I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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